hurricanes

I don’t know where I stand in life.

Most of the time, everything is alright. But also, it’s not. I don’t really think about my life or what’s happened to me, because it hurts too much. I’m a burden.

Sometimes it feels like if people care about me, as if I had friends, who love me, who like to spend time with me. But then, I feel so lonely. I might be a little factor in everybody’s life, but nothing more because I’m irrelevant and I don’t really matter. I wouldn’t want to spend time with me either.

This morning, the voices came back and I dissociated. I snapped out of it, luckily, but the urge to do something stupid is there. I can’t. I wish I could just escape this madness by cutting my arm up or by swallowing razorblades again. The comfort of being nursed, being under anesthesia, sleeping all day in hospital and having doctors care about me. The amazing feeling of bleeding out slowly, beginning to freeze and shivering.

Not even my fucking therapist cares about me and I can’t change it, she’s not there, I can’t even call her now and I see her maybe once a month, what the fuck, is this supposed to help me, seriously?

I’m thinking about just putting an end to it, but I can’t, there’s my dog and my boyfriend who I love deeply. So I need to find another solution, maybe I’ll call my psychiatrist now. Maybe he can give me something to numb this pain. I just want to sleep for days.

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